Addressing Internalized Homophobia In Gay Online Dating

Brian Tuck

As we peruse the endless dating sites out there, we come across the same overused profile requirements time and time again. Statements such as "real men only", "no fags", "straight acting only", even in the relationship sections. I begin to wonder where these standards of desire began and how such positive profile charm became so alluring.

These demanding projections are most likely parts of ourselves we hate seeing in others. The pseudo-psychologist in me informs that we are dealing with some internalized homophobia here, reflections of our own "gayness" we have not yet accepted in ourselves and unconsciously don't like seeing in others.

It's always nice to see gay men putting other gay men down, pointing fingers in the online playground, our mothers were so right. By all means, have preference, we can't always help who we are attracted too, but let's consider at least where our standards of lust are coming from.

An unconscious way to avoid meeting someone real and have something meaningful, some hold these near impossible standards on a pedestal. Chasing the heterosexual male, the forbidden fruit that is the allure of all our friends. The reward of long lasting love or a passionate soirée to the gay man who can pull this off the best, or meet someone who can.

A prize for the man whose preference to keep one's man on man love a secret from family, co-workers, friends....wife? I'd bet the dollhouse we throw stones in, we are never masculine enough for someone who is simply not ready for something serious. All the more reason to let down that guard to work on truly accepting and loving ourselves.  This is not a lowering of standards, but a revision of the list we keep adding to out of fear of rejection, lest we keep rejecting others. Time to get to back to work, indeed.

photo source: www.padraigcahillartist.com